OF LIBERALISM AND THE PORCINISTS (d’après Voltaire)
Worship of the pig has a long history in primitive, tribal culture (see Hogwash and Sow 1852) and trace elements of its existence are evident even in today’s more sophisticated world. For our purposes, it suffices to note that the modern cult of the Porcine and its adherents, derives from the XII C roasting of the primal pig whose crackling and garlic –pickled flesh were credited with divine powers and revelation. Modern pig idolatry dates from 1970 and claims as many as 15000 sty altars, a number likely to double in the next five years. The sect has a sacred text, The Book of Pig whose pages allegedly derive from the leftovers of the primal pig roast. Members of the sect are called porcinists and vehemently proclaim their right to freedom of religious worship and to dress in their sacred garments. They want social inclusion and access to public bodies including schools on the basis of their freedom to wear the traditional hog-head (with or without ears) and the right to display trotter necklaces, preferably fresh ones as closer to the primal pig or caramelised at a pinch. This caused some strife, particularly in schools. Western Liberal opinion quickly supported the porcinists in the name of tolerance and respect for religious beliefs, arguing that members of the sect should be able to dress as they please. Such Liberals are strongly supported by the organo-naturists who want to walk around naked and the all-female cult, known as the vaginistas, who believe that God communicates directly with them through their exposed vaginas and that they should in consequence never have to cover this part of their bodies. Much schism did then occur in the school of humanity and the principal of the school was sorely tested in his management. He was an avid reader of Tony Benn who had himself advocated tolerance and freedom on Question Time. But the principal was much alarmed when the porcinists captured Benn and declared; 'We thank you for our freedom but The Book of Pig declares Pighad on all infidels like you’. Whereupon they cut off his head and squealed all night long in ecstasy. Another sage, a secular socialist humanist much versed in Confucius, called Ynot Rialb, spotted the head, dolefully picked it up and lamented ‘What a sorry, sorry sight is this, that a head with so much wisdom should fall victim to the delusions of the porcinists. You should have seen this coming old man’. Ynot in tears began to spin the head around with greater and greater force and then released it, propelling it into the stratosphere, where it self -incinerated by its own velocity. The burning head caused a visionary glow in the world of humankind and a determination in the mind of Ynot. He took a big stick from the Garden of Confucius and headed towards the nearest sty, rehearsing his lines as he went and flexing his muscles: ‘You are not here to define difference nor to individuate but to discover a common humanity through co-operation. That is the socialist project’. And Ynot vowed to conquer difference while the Twhataadsa slept.

THE WAY OF THE ££ORDS & ££OANS
It is a credit no doubt to the Labour Government that we introduced a greater degree of transparency and regulation in the matter of political donations. How ironic and how predictable that it should expose itself to allegations of sleaze and corruption by clumsily trying to circumnavigate its own rules with clandestine loans, seemingly linked to Honours, without the very Treasurer of the Party knowing anything about it.'Thus the House of the Lords was open to purchase by the few and the many did feel much resentment at their exclusion. For the race shall be to the bung and victory to the loan, as time and chance happeneth to no man with a dark million. But the strumpets of the Lords did sound in protests multiple that they had done no wrong, governor, but all actions followed His true and saintly Law and that they were innocent and most legal. And the Almighty did look upon the deed and forthwith cast his great Blotch upon their Houses and their mortgages and they did disappear into a wilderness.'